NotnotPaul’s American Dream

Let’s face it, being unexplainably wealthy overnight is the American dream. According to my google search, poorly researched news articles are undecided as whether people are buying more or less lotto tickets in this recession. I do know however that my ticket purchases have been nearly non-existant. This is actually quite surprising to me. When people asked me what I did for a living, I used to reply “amateur lottery winner”. I consider myself an amateur until I win a professional sized jackpot. It also keeps my Olympics eligibility open. This week, I am reclaiming this job title. Tuesday and Friday will regain its rightful place in the Andersen Pantheon of Holidays as Megamillion days (sorry, Arbor Day, maybe next recession).

Of course the real fun in buying a losing ticket is the planning of how you will waste your money. Since this post has gone a whole sentence without humor, I would like to share three eccentric millionaire ideas.

1) Become a Business Owner
Buy all your favorite bars, keep them exactly the same, and only adjust the names.
I actually came up with this idea at Syracuse for a $200mill jackpot. I wanted the Marshal Street bars to be called “Paul’s Maggie’s” “Paul’s Darwin’s” “Paul’s Lucy’s” “Paul’s Faegan’s” “Paul’s Chuck’s” and “Paul’s Sheraton Hotel Bar”

2)Absurdist Financial Security
Now some people recommend that you always keep around 10% of your networth in gold. I call those people “Financial Planners”. I would rather put that money in a trust that only lets me gain access to it on the condition I accomplish some ridiculous goal. Some examples; go streaking at the superbowl, break 3 Guinness world records, learn to do a backflip, pass the bar in every state just to get disbarred in every state, beat a shark in a fist fight. This way, if I’m desperate I’ll get the money and a great story to tell later at Paul’s Baker Street.

3)Become a Patron of the Arts
Any ridiculous idea you have can now be a reality. That porno screenplay you have kicking around? It’s as good as made. Why rent use Netflicks, when you can hire a troupe of actors and have them recreate Beverly Hills Cop on stage? Personally I want to finance a series of mounted robot heads over my mantle so I can tell people I’m a robot bounty hunter and a professional lottery winner.

And so Friday, my friends, as we imbibe our discount booze, keep in mind that the best cure for a hangover is finding out that you are now a millionaire.

Vote for me!

Hello friends,

If you vote for me here I will love you forever. This is my dream and I can’t believe there is actually a contest for it!

http://www.blogyourwaytoantarctica.com/blogs/view/183

All my love,
M

The Pain of Reentry

Oh, the pain of reentry. After months of feeling sorry for yourself, sleeping late, exploring new hobbies, and drinking with The Garden Club you find that you now have a job. While you’d been lusting for one, you have come to enjoy your current lifestyle and you wonder if you will ever be able to adapt to working again.

It’s kind of like post traumatic stress disorder or having malaria- you recover but you are scarred, wondering if people can see the pain in your eyes and if they agree that you just don’t fit in.

So here are some tips for reentering the workforce to help you through this difficult time:

-Remember that offices require normal hygiene. While unemployment smiles favorably upon getting moldy in your bed for half the day, working people do things like shave, iron and wear cologne/perfume. I know your excuse was that you could not afford beauty products but we both know you kinda enjoyed seeing how greasy hair can really get.

-There are things you cannot do in shared office space- like cut your toenails or pick your split ends. While the split ends provided you with hours of fun in your otherwise empty life, nobody wants to see that shit.

- You have to start eating sandwiches. Sandwiches are the kind of thing that never comes out good at home- I mean who really has roasted red peppers and perfect slices of havarti and fresh lettuce in their fridges? Not in Manhattan you don’t. So the months of Ramen noodles and Easy Mac now have to be replaced by carefully crafted $8 sandwiches you go get with your co-workers. While the midtown deli prices are appalling, these  sandwiches really are priceless if you think of how long you get to step away from your desk while waiting for said sandwiches to be prepared.

-You cannot randomly go visit people on a Friday. You now have a job and you have to negotiate to take a day off. That trip to Acadia is not going to friggin happen. Really pisses me off.

-You cannot talk on your cell phone. Everybody is listening. Also remember to warn people you will no longer be able to access Facebook or Gchat. Your eyes will hurt from the glare of the computer screen and you need to use spell check.

-You cannot wear your mumu all day or walk around in the nekkid. By the way I have discovered recently that far better than a mumu is the Adult Onesie, made popular by Urban Outfitters. It’s good if you’re fat and your thighs chafe.  And fun to say you are wearing a onesie!

Ok that’s it for now. Good luck on entering the world of the living but don’t get too used to it you may lose your job again soon.

This week

Hey kids I am back from my adventure abroad and will hopefully have some time to post more this week but I just want to let you know the next few Garden Club  meetings:

This Wednesday 6/24:

http://www.katwalknyc.com/openbar_stim.html

Katwalk (let’s drag 15 people so we can get free food!)
2 West 35th Street in K-Town
$3 Shots
$3 Select Domestic Drafts
$4-$6 Specialty Cocktails
$6 Premium Wines & Champagne
FREE Appetizers for parties of 15 or more

The following Wednesday 7/1:
40′s on the Ferry- A Fun Filled Field Trip

We are meeting outside the Staten Island Ferry at 4:15 pm each with a 40 in hand as to enjoy the poor man’s booze cruise. No idea what will happen when we get there.  Come early to beat the work crowd. If they have jobs on SI, that is.

NotnotPaul’s Patented Happy Hour!: forecast is for alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

As I touched upon during my beer pong trick shot clinic yesterday, I know the sweet deals when it comes to Friday Happy Hour. This itinerary will give you a solid foundation of pre-gaming for when you meet with your friends later and they drag you to 9 dollar beer night.

5-7: “I’m hungry.”
Whoah, whoah, whoah, Rockefeller, I refuse to pay for dinner.
Croxley’s Ale House,28 Avenue B (2nd streetish)
FREE WINGS!!!!11!!1!!!shift+1!!!!

You are supposed to spend 4 dollars at the bar. Beer of the week is always 4 dollars; rotates between Yuengling and Saratoga Ale. Easy.
3 types of wings; traditional buffalo, barbeque, and some third ridiculous sauce that would let you justify a delicious chicken genocide.
It’s a balanced meal if you trick yourself into thinking that beer is a vegetable. I just enjoy it because I can eat a prime number amount of wings and not be constricted by society’s rules of ordering by the dozen.

After you’ve had your fill its time for a short walk north

6-8: “I was promised cheap drinks.”
Doc Holliday’s 141 Avenue A (9 street)
2 for 1 EVERYTHING

Doc Holliday’s is pretty cheap to begin with, but it just becomes irresponsible when you are pounding your third 5 dollar double vodka tonic and its still daylight.
As you look around the bar, just keep in mind that you are here for the cheap drinks, not the ambiance.

8-?: “I’m nots that drunk!”
Yes you are, and you are shouting.

This is a tough time slot now that you should be sufficiently bombed by now, but still have to kill time before meeting up with friends. This leads us to,
Bull McCabes 29 Saint Marks Pl (bet 2nd and 3rd Ave)
3 dollar jager shots and 3 dollar rolling rocks. All day every day. In the unlikely event that it is not raining you can sit outside. Their other beer is cheap too, but why bother?

You are finally ready to meet up with your friends and hit the town. There is no reason why you should need to buy more than a beer any place you go after this.

Now its time to live it up! Discuss politics! Sing the wrong lyrics to songs! Throw up quietly in the corner! Argue with bouncers! Hide from bouncers! Get cut off by the bartender! Steal someone else’s drink in front of them! Get caught instantly! Be thrown out by same bouncers you were hiding from! Decide that the place was lame anyway! Fall asleep on the train home! Wake up somewhere called “Gun Hill Road” at sunrise! Decide that you shouldn’t be in a place called “Gun Hill Road”! Quietly ponder where it all went wrong!

aaaaannnnnddddddd repeat next week.

Tired of Being Rejected – “it’s not you, it’s the market…”

Remember that breakup in which your significant other gave you the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” line? What he/ she really meant was: “I think I can get someone better than you.”

So now I find myself wondering if there’s a resemblance between that scenario and relationships with our lovely recruiters. Of course I know the market is shit, but after a couple (several) rejections I can honestly say I am able to recognize a line when I hear one.

Well yeah… there are thousands of great people looking for work out there, just like yours truly. But why not give this one a chance, rather than discarding her in hopes of finding something better? What if my Brazilian accent turns out to be an asset when speaking to clients and getting them to cooperate (rather than a “minus” in your less-than-ideal check-list)? What if this one’s pretty good already??

Is it me or has the 30-some-non-committal-men syndrome infected recruiters in the City?

Hmmm…

Ode to Unemployment

Dinner at Whiskey Trader

I get to lay in bed all day
While you go drunk to work
I have nobody to answer to
While you deal with your boss, the jerk

I get to look like crap all day
While you get to wear a suit
I don’t need to stress about money
Because you pay for my prosciutto (say it the Italian way and it rhymes perfectly)

I get to play on-line all day
Your boss looks over your shoulder
I get to indulge in beauty sleep
Your stress makes you look older

I can ignore all phone calls
While your Blackberry owns your soul
You listen to finance TV all day
While I blast Rock and Roll

I am so up to date on Facebook
While you are limited to intranet
It’s the little things I relish
Like having time to walk my pet

You have to see that co-worker
With whom you awkwardly made out
And since they sit near the bathroom
You had to find a new walking rout

So my friends, you see it now
That while you are out being productive
I get to sit on my fat ass
And enjoy being self destructive

Today

Hello all you party people. Today we are moving The Garden Club meeting to Whiskey Trader- like the best cheap happy hour ever and where I went to mourn the Death of Lehman. Of course all the people who went over to Barcap now go to Snafu or something for happy hour but they’ll still be at work while we drink so I’m going old school.  Meet up around 4pm I may be a little late have an errand to run on the way not that you care.

Speaking of Death of Lehman- my favorite subject to obsess about- last night I went to a nice event- the Women’s Initiatives Leading Lehman alumni group courtesy of LinkedIn- called WILLPower. What’s awesome about it is that even though we are scattered we can maintain our network. Can you see why I miss Lehman? Though only one person from my first group was there, it was great to catch up with everybody and have people who recognize that I am more than an admin, that I worked my little butt off to start a career there and I actually contributed to the company. Sadly many of those people are also looking for jobs so there was no shameless networking but it kinda made me feel better to find out some other really awesome people are also looking for admin jobs. Yay us.

Outside the box

Can you take me for a walk?

Everyone says that when you’re in a tough spot (like being only  semi-employed) ya gotta….wait for it…….”think outside the box.”  Since I lost my job, I’ve literally heard that phrase like nine thousand times.  (Who came up with this expression?  Where is this box?  What is this box?)  As clumsy an expression as it may be, I have to admit that its got some merit re: making a living in this shitty difficult economic climate.  During the past year, we’ve all seen that the traditional work model just isn’t really working out for most of us.  Huge companies are laying folks off at a staggering rate, 401Ks are disappearing, Madoffs are Maddoffing and on and on.   Its times like these when its important to…….(I’m not gonna say it).  

My  own journey outside the box has led me again and again to the same conclusion:  its time to be my own boss.  With that in mind, after months of toying with the idea, I recently got my indecisive butt off the fence and decided to launch my own small business.  Its called Pets on the Move and I’ll be walking dogs, feeding cats and hanging out with the occasional bunny rabbit in Brooklyn and below 14th street in Manhattan.  I’ve already been walking dogs for extra cash for the past couple of years, so I figure ‘why not keep doing that, but get paid more for doing it’? The best part is that I’m learning it isn’t that expensive to get started.  Its a pretty exciting time.  I feel all business-y, with my ‘business expenses’ and ‘cost analysis’ and the like, but enough about me…..  Even if you’re no animal lover, there are so many ideas for home based businesses online.   From making gift baskets, to being a virtual assistant, there’s something for everyone.  Yahoo has a great Top 25 Home Based Business list here.  I also really like mysmallbiz.com.  Those should get ya started.  I’ll be updating my progress, but in the meantime, lets all agree to not only think outside the box, but to kick the proverbial box’s ass.  Special K, out.

My High Tech Coffin

After I realized it might take a while to find permanent employment, I began looking for odd jobs that I could do for some extra cash.  I walked dogs, I baby-sat and I proofread PI reports my friend would send me.  When I met a medical technician at New York Presbyterian who was looking for subjects to participate in a medical research study I, of course, told her (enthusiastically) to sign me up!

A week later I was sitting in a small examination room, being asked hundreds of questions ranging from “when was the last time you felt angry” to “what day of the week is it?” (I had a lot of trouble with the second one — it’s hard for us unemployed to keep track of days and dates!!) After barely passing the interview portion of the study, I had to give blood and urine samples and take an EKG.  For all this I received $30 plus a compliment on my high tolerance for pain.

The next morning I went back for the MRI portion of the study.  For the MRI I would be paid $100, plus I would get to find out whether I had any brain aneurisms.  If I wanted to, I could have continued the study and received 2 PET scans while being injected with low doses of radiation for another $350, but as I was lying in the MRI machine, completely restrained and bound in a virtual coffin, I knew it would never get that far.

As I was listening to the MRI machine roar past my eardrums, trying not to swallow since my only instructions had been to “lay PERFECTLY STILL!!!” I realized that even more important to me than a few hundred dollars was surviving this temporary unemployment situation.  After all, getting sick is not just inconvenient, it’s expensive!  And besides, I’ve already increased my chances of getting cancer with all the drinking and tanning and fried food eating I do.  And I have no intention of stopping.

And so, after the MRI, I grabbed my things and ran out into the rain (it seems like it has been raining here for months!).  I know I can survive without the $350, but I’m not so sure how my body would feel if I subjected it to unnecessary radiation on top of the usual abuse.  At least with the dog walking I get exercise.

The Art of Unemployment

A few nights ago, I went out for drinks with some of my (very supportive) employed friends.  It was a weeknight, so I wasn’t expecting to stay out late, which was actually fine with me since I had decided that I should still be waking up early to go to the gym, or at least think about going to the gym.  After a couple vodka cranberries, I met another recent victim of the economy.  He had just been laid off and so, of course, I immediately told him about the Garden Club. I attempted to offer him my sympathy but to my surprise (and delight) I realized that my new friend (let’s call him “Nate”) was absolutely ecstatic about his new unemployed status.

Nate and I proceeded to spend the rest of the night talking about everything but work.  We talked about how much we loved alcohol, Italy and food and I talked about how much I loved the shirtless men in White Squall.  After the bar we went to a restaurant to drink wine and eat fried fish, fried squid and french fries (at least that’s what I did) and after that, when the employed were heading home, Nate and I went to another bar to continue drinking and talking.  My body was absolutely exhausted, but my mind felt invigorated with a kind of joy that I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

Nate gave me an incredible gift that night.  This is going to sound ridiculously cheesy, but Nate reminded me how to live in the moment.  At least for the night I felt like I had no responsibilities…and it felt amazing!  Of course, during unemployment you have to put in the hours sending out resumes, meeting with recruiters and going to interviews.  But all that stuff gets done eventually.  In between we have to find time to enjoy ourselves, because this is a vacation after all.  It won’t last forever. Pretty soon Nate and I will find jobs and we won’t be able to drink in the middle of the day or stay up until 5:00am on a Thursday.  It is useless to stress over how long it will take to find employment and it is complete insanity to put off having fun until after you find a job – that’s when the fun has to come to an end!

But even when I do find a job I really hope I remember this night of excessive drinking, eating and general debauchery and how I woke up the next morning with the opposite of a hangover (a hangunder?)  I think that once in a while it would be good for us all to take a night to just drink and eat and talk and ENJOY every minute of it!  No guilt, no fear, no watch and no cell.

The Landmark Forum

Ok so maybe it is too soon to write about this since I am still in a daze from the last three days but nobody else has posted anything in a while so I am feeling morally obligated to write something! And I have A-D-D. And somebody is going to share my temp job office with me come tomorrow so I might feel awkward about doing my hobbies in front of them. And they might actually give me real work.

ANYWAY…

I was told about Landmark three years ago by a former boss. “It will help you get out whatever is holding you back from being great,” she’d advised.

I’d written it down on a blue post-it like I do for all important reminders. I didn’t feel like taking a day off work or spending the dough so my little post-it which magically has somehow made it into all my junk drawers kept on falling out of bags and into my lap reminding me that there was this thing my super successful boss had told me I absolutely had to try. Not that I don’t like to throw things away but every time I changed jobs or desks I saw the little post it and kept it in there because I only throw a post-it away when I’ve completed said task. I’m old school none of this outlook shite I like to stick things all around my computer like a halo, or like what a former colleague said the scary wall in A Beautiful Mind.  But that is a tangent for another day.

Anyhoo when a person becomes unemployed there is a certain amount of “do all the crap I never had time to do” and “self-improvement” so after my friend H decided to try out the course and drag me to a few info sessions, I sucked it up and did it. She is a lovely person and I could see a weird change in her so if this cult would help me get out of this rut, why the hell not, right?

This post isn’t meant to be funny or insightful rather to open my own mind to possibility and hopefully yours which was the whole point of the forum. It kinda breaks you down to build you back up again and I woke up today way less depressed about not having a career and slightly hopeful because the head of the desk I supported was there too and I realize that great people stay great because they are always doing what they can to improve. I also met a guy who used to work for the UN- I used to be a tree hugger and that was my dream job and he opened my mind to the possibility that I may not want to find a job in finance after all, and maybe that’s why I can’t seem to keep one! Well, that and the crippling economy but you get my point. I invite you to think about your own unemployment in a similar way.

So many lessons later, $440 poorer, and with a business card that might lead me to something great or at least to acknowledging I am still young enough to have dreams, I face the new work week thinking that things just might work out in the end.

A much needed breath of fresh air.

Quote of the day

“Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness”
- Sigmund Freud

I guess some of us have no cornerstones.  Are we still human? WTF?

111 Centre Street

I was finally forced into reporting for jury duty this week.    For nearly a year, I had been either skipping it entirely or abusing the postponement system.   When the court clerk made the third date change on the same ballot sheet, I was told that if I miss this date, the next jury selection I would be going to would be for my own trial.

For the underemployed, waking up early and dressing up to go to City Hall makes you feel like a big-shot again (or ever).   Much like the employed people you share the downtown express with, you have somewhere to go and can say to yourself, “people are counting on me!”   As you walk through the cluster of Federal and City buildings, it is easy to trick yourself into thinking that this next client meeting is crucial to your bonus, or wondering if anyone else at the office caught that obsure thing on Lost last night.   As you approach your destination, a building of glass and steel so reminiscent of the others in your past, you check to see if you brought everything needed for the day ahead.   Instantly the reverie is over, instead of having documents, or files, or legal pads or the Wall Street Journal; you have Metro New York, AM New York, a thick Tom Clancy novel, and a laptop with the eternal hope of open access wi-fi.

I went into this with an extreme desire to get picked for a trial.  It would break the monotony and offer a rare, under appreciated point of view.   To me, this was a job interview and I was going to nail it. I spent the previous night catching up on attribution bias, morality vs legality issues, reliability, validity, procedural law, and hell, I even watched 12 Angry Men again.  And so, for two days I sat in room 362B, and I accomplished a wide range of tasks.  I cursed at crossword puzzles.  I realized I had read this book already and of course Jack Ryan saves America at the end.  I trawled the Internet discovering which websites were blocked by the New York State Unified Court System (not this one!).

As is very typical with posts on this blog, despite all my preparations, I was eventually sent home with only a thanks for my time.

How did my interview go?
What questions did they ask?
Any advice for others?

I cannot answer any of these. I wasn’t even pulled from the damn jury pool for questioning. Some other asshole got the job.

Must have been my cover letter.
Damn this economy.
Fuck them-I didn’t need that stupid  job anyway.

Today

Despite having an interview tomorrow, I am going to go booze it on up at the first somewhat more official Garden Club meeting. Hope you can come too! After all, you are only young and unemployed in the warm New York summer during the current recession. Which hopefully will be over come the fall. Nobody enjoys an outdoor beer garden in the cold.

Last week we all kinda got too lazy to drink but this week I think we’re motivated to go eat schnitzel and drink hefs!

And I am proud to annouce that my bretheren in London have started their own chapter. To view their blog see the links section to your right. Remember, unemployment is a global fad!