I love the way you treat me…

Dearest Darling,

I just want to thank you for making these last few months of unemployment so enjoyable. While I can only imagine what a head case I have been with all the depression, sobbing, lethargy, and stress my unemployment has caused.  You, on the other hand, have been absolutely delightful. I am sorry that I have been such a biznitch the last year or so but really it was the circumstances, if you recall I was quite nice up until the layoff rounds began at Lehman.

Now that I have apologized, onto a more important topic. I know you have always sought to be the “Provider” and my workaholic feminist mannerisms are nothing short of emasculating (a complaint I received often in the past- starting from when I would sneak in and pay for the fro-yo while my college beau was turned around), however, unemployment has taught me the error of my ways.

First of all, what is up with feminism anyway? For thousands of years women were brilliant and convinced men to go out and toil on our behalf while we sat around making ourselves pretty, spending quality time with the kids and our elderly parents, and having time to do things like cook and keep a home clean. Now, I find we still want to do all those things but added on 12 hours of toiling. Where is the logic? Would there even be an unemployment issue in my life had I been born 200 years ago? I think not.

You have kindly showed me that feminism has gotten me nothing except premature worry lines. And since I have given it up in lieu of you treating me to lunch everyday and then treating me to dinner since I am too lazy to cook even though we both know I have the time, I now fear that since I have a job things might change. Unemployment has worked wonders for our relationship. At first getting treated all the time made me feel guilty. Then I started to enjoy it- the way I enjoy naughty things like sniffing markers or drinking wine in the morning. But now, the truth is I just feel plain entitled. I know I have not merited this gift but you are guilty of spoiling me and now you must contend with the monster of your own creation.

So the point is, can you still pay for everything I do even though I am now going to be making almost as much as you are? I, in turn, will spend my money on clothing that will make me prettier for you. So it all evens out. But really, when the pay check comes please continue to grab it before I can pretend I want to pay.

All my love,

M

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